The letter

My sister handed me a box, without asking about it, I knew that this was the box. “This is the last one,” she said. She walked pass through me and got into the house. I put the box next to me and sat on the stairs. A dry summer… The wind blew and brought all the dust and dried leaves away. “Take me with you,” I whispered.

I opened a bottle of cold water and drank it while looking at the box next to me. I touched the lid and I could feel the thin layer of dust. I knew what was inside. I dared myself to open it. There you are, pile of physical memories that I chose to keep it with me wishing that I would open it from time to time but the end, it just stayed somewhere where I couldn’t remember it.

There laid the ticket of the first movie we watched together. I remembered that I impulsively asked him to go to a cinema simply because I had severe sore throat and I didn’t want to talk to him too much but I wanted his company. I always liked his company. We always had too many things to be said to each other. I wonder now, since when did we started running out of topic to be discussed?

Then the first Polaroid picture of him from our first city trip. I still remember that he was laughing at me for still having a Polaroid camera that reminded him of his childhood when his father used to take his and his sister’s pictures. I always liked to take a picture of his back. That’s my favorite part of his. It looks strong and calming. The shoulder that I always wanted to put my head on after my tiring day. I wonder since when did I no longer looking for comfort from his back?

Even I kept the ticket museum that we visited. I still feel overwhelmed when remembering it. To have found someone who really have the same interest as you do I don’t know what do we call it, lucky? Not everyday you will meet someone who would be happy spending five hours in the museum with you. On the way back from the museum, we passed through a forest and he told me, “Next time, let’s go to a forest and have a walk. Do you like walking in the forest?” That was the first time I realized that he was not only my sort of comfort. I grew up in the family that has small traditions: watched theater together, went hiking, went to museum, discussed books and movies we saw, took a long trip by car. Lived far away from my family made me miss having these rituals. And he made me realized that no matter with whom I would be in the future, I wanted to continue having these with me.

And among them, I found my letter. The letter that I wrote during our trip from Moscow to Beijing. He proposed to me and I told him that I would give the answer to him if he took a train trip with me for 30 days from Moscow to Beijing because if we could handle each other during this trip, I believe we should be able to handle many things together. My reason was simply because I only want to marry once, I wanted to make sure that I was going to marry the right person. He agreed. At the end we spent 38 days for the whole trip.

By the end of the journey, I wrote that letter,

Dear you,

Today is the last day of your trip with Mahesa. It was tougher than you imagined but it was worth it. No matter how tough the future will be, don’t let him go. 

He is the person who doesn’t want to keep up with your anger. He will leave you when you are mad at him. But also, he will be the one approaching you back after you put off your anger and asked whether you are now able to talk rationally.

You could always find more romantic person than him, because it’s not his nature to be romantic. He has his own way to tell you how much he cares about you. He would be the first person to be happy for you and the person who will be there for you when you are sad.

He knows ways to cheer you up even though it costs laughing at himself. He might be a gold fish but when you are sad, he would come to you with your favorite beer. 

He is the person who wants to dance and sing silly with you.

He is the person who lets you be alone when you need to be alone but at the same time he will make sure that you will always have him waiting for you. Remember this, to fall in love is easy, to have sex is even easier, but to meet a person who can spark your soul, that shit is rare.


And there it broke my last fortress…


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