Winter in July

Handwriting letter with pen

It’s supposed to be July, but the weather seems to decide to be October instead. It’s rainy, gloomy, and cold since the morning. I sat in my usual spot in the cafeteria, the corner. I liked being there. It always made me feel comfortable. Isolated from everything else. There, in my corner, I found peace in my book  and my cup of coffee.

But today was a bit different from the other days. I didn’t buried my mind with the words of other people, but mine. I knew I wouldn’t have the courage to say everything at the time I meet that blue eyes. So, here I am.. trying to find courage from my favorite latte, a pen, and a paper.

Dear love,

It was really wonderful year we had. I was even still surprise when I think about how long we have spent the time together. 

You were among the first persons I met in this city. I was vulnerable at the time. It was a really difficult time for me. Loosing my father, had to say good bye to my mother after the storm that came to our family, and at the same time I found my boyfriend was cheating on me. I spent two days crying every night before I finally was able to sleep. Only to let all the frustrations out.

Then you came to my life. Everything about you is so easy for me. The time we spent together was always enjoyable and fun. You were the first person I could share my unsolved grieve with. I could comfortably share my pain with you. We laugh at the same things, we share the same interest. Time seems to freeze every time we talked. You are so smart, you always get my attention from all the knowledge you have deep inside your mind.

You… You make me feel like I’ve known you for a long time.

I’ve tried so many times to tell you how much I like you but you never responded to it. So I was thinking maybe we didn’t share the same feeling. Then I decided to take sometime away from you, because sadly my feeling doesn’t work like an on and off button. But at the same time I don’t want to ruin what we have with unnecessary drama.

I walked away.. only to manage my feeling and my self.

At the time I was ready to see you as a friend, you walked into my heart and took it away from me at the time I lose my guard. You left me stoned without knowing what all these things about.

I don’t only see how good you are, but you also make me feel good about myself. You inspire me, you support me to move forward and further, you know how to cheer me up, you don’t keep up with my fluctuating and nagging mood, but you are always there watching me from the safe distance. You don’t spoil me but I can feel that you take care of me in your way.

You are all I ever ask to be a partner in my life. Not only a fling or just another person passes by in my life to spend the nights with. For that reason I’m so afraid of loosing you, because I know if this time I fall, I will fall really hard.

Now I need to be away from you, so that I could also control myself. I’m always good in controlling myself, but this time I seem to lose it. I need to be away from you because I can’t do it when you are around. I always feel happy when I’m with you. I couldn’t resist to not being with you. But I don’t want the happiness that only exists for 12 hours when I’m with you and afterward I’d feel miserable.

I need to be away from you not because I hate you. Instead, deep inside, I don’t want to lose you. Everything about you is too good for me. I like simply watching you talking about something you like and see your eyes widen. I like simply watching your back. I like to kiss you, I like the way you touch my neck, I like to run my fingers on your body, I like the way you laugh, I like the way you kiss me, I like the way you make fun of yourself to make me laugh when I forget how to laugh. You make me able to love myself at the time I forget the way to do that. 

But now, I wanna give you time to miss me. To understand what it feels to be without me. And if it’s nothing for you, then I know you don’t see me the way I see you. I’m not what you are for me. 

I’ve tried all I can to show you that I like you, that you are so important to me. Now I wish you to do the same, showing me how important I am for you (if in any case I ever am). 

I wish to see you the next time differently and as part of the answer that I’m looking for.

Yours.

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