Let’s be honest, I’m tired. I’m tired of “let’s be casual” or “we’ll see where this goes“.
See, that’s the thing. I want to know where this can go, even before it gets started. I want to know the purpose, the direction, the point. Because why have something meaningless? Life is too damn short for something meaningless inside.
I’m not crazy (okay, maybe sometimes). I don’t need to know if you think you’ll fall in love with me on our very first date. But I’d like to know the way your mind works. If it’s calm and patient, or nervous and hesitant, or if you are just as passionate and scatter-brained as me.
I just… want to know…
I want to know everything about you from the things that make you laugh, to the first time you cried. I want to know if you love your mother, how’s your relationship with your sibling. I want to hear the craziest things that you have ever done in your life. I want you to tell me that. I want to know you, and fall for you unafraid.
I’m never good at small talk at stuffy dinner dates where we toss away the deep questions because we don’t want to scare each other off. I don’t care if I scare you off because if I can’t know who you are, then why should I bother sitting across the table, sharing the bites and sip the wine and pretending this is going somewhere it is not?
I’m not good at casual. I’m the opposite of casual. Because casual is a political synonym for something purposeless, and I always have a sense of direction to where I wanna go, to what I want to achieve.
Love isn’t stagnant and still
I’m sorry not to be sorry for not being “we’re just messing around” kind of girl. I don’t like to mess around because I think that’s plainly stupid. Why should I care about you, give a piece of myself when you can’t even commit to staying? I could care and love someone unconditionally, but I don’t like to be taken for granted. I won’t be able to make you fall in love with me, and frankly, I shouldn’t have tried.
So no, I will stop messing around because at the end of the day, we’re just wasting each other’s time. We only play a game to keep each other from falling in love. No matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise, that’s what we’re actually looking for.
Because I just don’t understand
Here is the thing that I just don’t understand. I have tried to understand, yet I’m still not able to understand. I don’t understand the quickness, the half-heartedness, the jumping from person to person stuffs that are going on nowadays. Because when I spend time with someone, when I start to get to know them, when I start to share them my personal space, when I start to let them get to know me, that means everything to me.
I still don’t know how to shut off the stream of emotions, the excited butterflies, the passion I feel for wanting to know the soul behind that physical body. I can’t help wanting to fall for someone. Not nervously, not hesitantly, and sure as hell, not casually. And what’s wrong with that?
I don’t know if I’m old school, if I’m strange, maybe just crazy, or maybe I’m too much. All I know is I have no clue to be casual. I’ve tried it, but then I come to the conclusion that it is just not my piece of cake. Because I’m the girl that falls in love. Also, the girl who wants to make you unafraid to fall.